tribute to grace

The 6 of us, plus Mamma B and Baby B, went to the annual RA banquet last night. The night consists of eating good food (witch, for some reason unknown to me, didn’t sit all that well with me), fellowship with the rest of the RA’s and RD’s, and a time of “sharing.” This is the time where each dorm gets up and says something about how the year went. Some talked about their girls/guys and how God had been changing them, others talked about what characterized their individual dorm, we talked about Boykin. This is my contribution to the night. Perhaps it will spur the others to write what they shared to B (that was a hint Tim, Ilya, and MIC). Here it goes.
T his is the sort of thing that makes Boykin upset. Here we are, eating perfectly good food, spending quality time together seeing what God has been doing on the campus and now we’re going to ruin it by talking about him.
B is a special man. He is truly head and shoulders above the norm, not because he is 6' 6", but because he has allowed God to take his worthless life and put it on display before a bunch of cocky, arrogant, selfish, immature white boys. 5 of us stand here. A small testimony to his 13 years of being a resident director. We have watched him sacrifice his time, his money, his sleep, his privacy, his space, and his heart on the alter of Christ like love day in a day out. Each of us stand here today as a tribute to the grace that God has shown through B. B’s life is consumed by Grace. In a conversation with a guy in the dorm he referred to himself as a “graceoholic.” He is a man, completely sold out to the goal of overflowing into the lives of his guys. Like a waterfall, the love that Christ has shown him freely flows from him, pouring into the people around him. In the last 2 ½ years I have grown to know B well. As he continually pours into me I am always amazed. It takes a special person to put up with a dorm full of 50 + guys night after night, week after week, month after month and year after year.
My freshman year I had the privilege of being a part of a small group bible study and accountability group with B and 5 other guy in the dorm. It was named ESSE QUAM VIDERI: “to be not just to appear.” As I spent time in that group week after week, the big, black, Boykin dam began to crack open in front of me. In not much time at all I was being swept away in the rushing head waters of grace. Here, our dorm dad became our equal. Here, God began to transform immature boys into a new generation of mighty men who understood first hand what it means to be “totally exposed, yet totally accepted.” We couldn’t miss it, he was too big.
We are talking a lot about B. And I am convinced that we should. But he is merely a sharpened tool in the hand of the omnipotent God. So tonight Mic, Tim, Matty, Ilya, and I look at B and see Grace, Love, acceptance, commitment, sacrifice and, in all reality we most of the time see Christ.

undulation

One week can have so many faces. As CS Lewis wrote “undulation, U-N-D-U-L-A-T-I-O-N: a series of ups and downs ups and downs,” this is what this job, life, ministry,...really whatever you want to call it is made up of. One day life is great, people are interacting on new levels, God seems to be moving unhindered in my own life, and my personal plans are developing without a hitch. Then, without warning, the bottom falls out on everything. Before I was in this position all I had to worry about was myself. One thing happened to me and most of the time other people didn’t affect it. No more. Now the actions and reactions of others can have a dramatic impact on me. Why God? Why can’t I just let them carry their own cross? What is this deal about “bearing one another’s burdens?” Can’t I just have a part in their growth and not have to kick them in the butt?
Monday night I have a long needed talk with a guy about what’s not going on in his life that needs to be. He seems to be receptive to what I’m telling him. The next day I have one of the best conversations I’ve had all year with one of my guys who is just now starting to open up his life to me. He has been the focus of so much prayer and energy. Wednesday night comes along and a group I am in finishes a semester long project that went incredible; I could not ask for a better result. Then, when I get back from that, I get the first kick in the butt. The girl pulls the “I don’t want to date anybody right now” card. One hour later I drive back to my dorm totally confused, frustrated, annoyed, angry, and discouraged. Only an hour ago things couldn’t get better now this. The next morning my day starts a new set of problems. By that night one of my guys is so angry at me that all he wants to do is yell like a five year old at me and beat me to a pulp. There goes any ministry in his life the rest of the year. Friday life levels out some, the only down time was spent with the girl in an awkward 2 ½ hours. Though all this I was just chill’in. What are you trying to show me God? Is this what ministry is about? I drew encouragement from my friends, spending time talking to Mic, Tim, Ilya, Matty, and B. B was the first to offer advice. Ok, so basically what he did was listen. (I’m sure that this Monday I’m going to be at least the partial focus of our meeting.) Even though I knew that they loved me, I was still down. Wanting to stay down and just rest. I knew that this idea was ludicrous but honestly, I was just tired of the fight. Why not just coast for the remaining 2 weeks of the semester? What could be the harm in that?
Then on Saturday night God decided that I needed a lift. I was in my room getting ready to do some home work, when a guy walked in and said “do you have time?” Well, I said “sure I do” of course. What issued was a 3 hour one sided conversation. Although I already knew the information that he was telling me, it was very hard for him to confide it in another person. God was saying “Caleb, this is what its about. You are here for a reason, people need people who care. Take what I give you and be content. My grace is sufficient for you.” I didn’t get that paper written that night, but my spirit was refreshed. That’s the point.
No matter how close the community, no matter how tight the friendships, no matter how strong the relationship God is the one who makes things happen. On this blog we write a lot about Boykin or each other and how much we build one another up, but in all reality it is nothing more than God. This time my boys were there for me. They wanted to help, but God chose to use the words of ignorant freshman who didn’t have a clue where I was to show me that I am a chosen vessel of God’s grace. Undulation, this is what this job, life, ministry is made up of. I praise the Lord for those ups and downs.

fight another day

Today I learned again about trust, about friendship, about the body of Christ. I just want to cry, but I can’t. Why I can’t I don’t know. All I know is that my integrity has been tested and found wanting. God how can I expect to lead when I can’t handle myself? How am I to be an example when I haven’t displayed the strength needed to simply be totally honest? Is disguising the truth the same as lying? Has my relationship with people been weakened by this? Do I have the character necessary for ministry? My heart cries out, but no answer is forth coming. This time the answer can only be seen in the long scope of time. How my life is conducted from now on will determine whether I will be counted as worthy. I have a clean slate to begin again. I have been forgiven for my lack of total transparency. Lord help me receive the grace that you have granted me. Soften my heart to take full advantage of the mercy that you have poured onto me, despite my undeserving actions and attitudes.
Although being caught hurts, it is much like cauterizing a wound. On the battle field it is necessary at times to sear an open wound as to prevent infection. The patient knows it is necessary, but as the hot iron is thrust into the bloody flesh every instinct screams for the pain to stop. Some men hold the injured man down while one pulls the red hot iron from the flames. Many friends would leave a man to die rather than have go though the torment of watching him suffer, not a brother, not men who know what it means to suffer, who know the meaning of real pain, and know how it feels to heal. Would they deny their fellow warrior the chance to live again? These men know how it feels to lay stricken on the battle field, wishing that they had been alert to the last blow that left them crippled on the ground, they know what helpless is, more importantly they know what it is to win, to fight back from that wound, however deep it is and live to fight another day. Only an enemy would deny a person of that opportunity.
B held the iron today. As he humbly cleaned my wound and lovingly scorched it I wanted so badly to cry, but I couldn’t. All I could do was bite hard on stick between my teeth. By God’s grace this wound will heal. It will be a mark of another battle won, another testament to the caring concern of a friend. I can now heal. The Great Physician has once again bound up a broken hearted man, given freedom to a captive, and restored sight to a blind man and, He has used a brother to do it.
This is what sets us apart. We are not without faults. We are not anything more than anyone else. If anything, we are each the chief of sinners. But, we have each other. People talk about true community like it can never be grasped. That simply is not true. But it is not an easy to maintain. This bond is often birthed out of pain, and must be maintained though both good times and bad. Praise the Lord that I have brothers who are willing to cauterize my wounds so that I may return to fight another day.

new and old mighty men

My heart is breaking, both from an unquenchable joy at what I see every day and the thought of 5 more weeks...and its gone. I am looking at my team through different eyes. The other 4 are moving on, graduating and following the paths that God has laid out for them, away from each other. I to am at that place of transition but in a different way. How can I see this same explosive and intense growth opportunity continue with a new team?
God has broken though the selfish crust that had encased me and has slowly been softening my heart to genuinely love the unlovely, give to the greedy, and sacrifice for the selfish. He has used 5 men to do it. It is easy for us to praise B for what we have learned, but that isn’t right. Yes, B is an incredible man, but he is simply that, a man. A man who has been radically transformed by the grace of God. I could praise Mic. He was my RA last year. From his example I saw first hand what practical love was. He sacrificed more time for his guys than one can imagine, giving of himself when it mostly went unnoticed, and refusing recognition (like I’m giving him now) when he was appreciated. But he to is nothing more than a pawn, a small wooden peace whom God has chosen to manipulate and slay kings. I could brag on the tender heart and the huge vision of Tim. It is rare indeed to see a person as sensitive to the prompting of the Holy Spirit in his life. Tim dreams larger than life, always seeing far beyond what is probable (or sometimes possible) without the assistance of God. But, before the words escape I see the small man, covered in scares from past battles and fresh blood from present ones and raise my voice of praise to heaven for the “great things He has done.” I could stroke the ego of Ilya by pointing out humility as he serves. How he stays out of the lime light, but steps up when I have needed him, a man who knows what it means for a friend to stick closer than a brother, a solider who will drop anything he is doing to listen or to kick me right in the teeth. But again, my thoughts are diverted to Christ, the risen one who is sitting at the throne of God who has poured mercy and grace into Ilya’s calloused heart and caused him not only to fight, but has enabled him to fight well. Or Matty, who in his worst times displays the joy of the Lord more vividly than any of us. Even when he is down, he somehow finds the strength to put on a smile and encourage me. When he is beat up and bloodied he shares what is on his heart then, in the next sentence he finds out how he can pray for me. That is when I stop seeing Matty and see the face of my Lord. Again I find myself driven to my face before His awesome greatness.
As I look at the 4 new guys who will comprise this team next year I can’t help but think about the hardened warriors fighting with me now. As I am tempted to want to remain without change I am reminded that without change no progress can be made. We have all grown under the leadership of Boykin by the grace of God. These new faces are ready. I am convinced. Like the 6 of us began a year ago so will a new 6 begin again. The Lord has once again raised up a fighting force, ready to stand up and destroy the enemy. I’m starting to see like Tim I guess. These untested men wait, eager for the opportunity to engage the enemy in a more intense way. God has raised them up, I will rejoice in what He will accomplish. I am forced to humble myself before the great throne of the Lion of Judah and weep for joy at His sovereign hand.
As for my 4 friends that I love, I pray for them as they leave. They will go out and continue in what God has started in them. This team is powerful, well trained, aggressive, sacrificial, dynamic, intense, loving, transparent,...dangerous. It will not, it cannot stop in 5 weeks. I am confident that God will complete what He has started here. As Boykin has had the privilege of helping hundreds of men grow more into the image of Christ, so will Matty, Ilya, Tim, Mic, and myself. They will go out and attack new targets with new teammates. My job remains here; my mission is to pass this experience on to 4 new warriors who will do the same. As for my battle hardened brothers, their faces are fading on a photograph hanging on my wall, memories will fill my mind for years, and as I see them be used by God in extraordinary ways, my eyes will brim with tears and my heart overflow with thanksgiving to God for giving me the privilege to grow with these tremendous mighty men.

Totally Exposed but Accepted

I just got done talking with B. We had one of those talks. What I mean by that is we talked about stuff weighing heavy on our hearts, and things that bring tears to our eyes. Those kind of talks are easy to have with B, because B has such a big heart, and he's very transparent. So we talked about how deeply people fear and struggle in the church--in our church--and sadly how almost hopeless the future of the church seems the way it appears today. We have become masqueraders. Church isn't a safe place, but it should be. He told me of one who came to him and asked him if he could really ever be a pastor in a church and tell his flock about his past struggles. Could he tell them he struggled with homosexuality in his past and keep his job? He lamented that many churches can tolerate certain sins while other sins are not acceptable. Homosexuality, rape, pornography--these are just unacceptable and if they are true of you, God can't use you. (more tears)
Well, I personally know of one guy who wants to tell other guys that he struggles with homosexual thoughts--but he's afraid of what they might think him, and of how they might label him. And honestly, I'm afraid for him. I'll never forget his tears, nor his sobs, nor the surprise on his face when I grabbed him and hugged him after he confessed this to B and me. For the first time ever, I understood the meaning of grace...and that very few of us really live under grace, myself included. B taught us all this. Not to praise B or any of us for that matter, but to lament that we are this way.
I say this because none of us warriors are without scars. Not one of us is not wounded. Are we any different that we can't admit that we struggle, to one another, to others? That we know what it's like to struggle with pornography and feel all alone, lost and without hope? Well, I for one am not, because I do know what it's like. And I'm no longer ashamed of that. Neither are my fellow-warriors. Over the course of not just this year, but the past few years our team has somewhat shared together, we have each learned about grace, and what it feels like. Caleb, Mic, and I learned in our little study we had with B that grace means "being totally exposed but accepted." But that didn't stop there. B lived that in front of us. He confessed to us, struggling, hopeless college kids, that he was no different than us in that he struggled, but he clung to the fact that he was loved by God and accepted in Christ. Those meetings we had would later become our RA meetings. It's in these meetings that we willingly become exposed, because to hide is to self-destruct. We've all been burned by our personal ignorance and willful disobedience to God, indulging in sin, rebellion, and the works. We've all had our weeks of failure and helplessness. But part of having each other's backs means we encourage one other to confess, to fight, to resist sin and temptation, and to run to God for love. We remind each other that we have already been forgiven. We remind each other that we are set free, and that we don't have to say yes to sin. Honestly, I for one have been changed because of the grace of God exemplified in B, Mic, Matty, Ilya, and Caleb. Why do I have the strength and the guts to tell one of my guy struggling with pornography, homosexuality, or even an sinful relationship with a girl, that there's hope, and that God's grace is greater than all their sin? Because my teammates have taught me this in ways niether they nor I--none of us--could ever sufficiently articulate. Because God's grace is greater than all our sin and shame. Because there's no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Because sin isn't who we really are. I'll never forget when Mic and I had that conversation. We were both set free that night. It's why I long for others to experience that same freedom Jesus died to make possible. I know what it's like to feel trapped in a world of guilt and self-contempt. But I also know what it's like to be loved by God. And I'm so glad that I also know what it's like to find a note on my desk to read that one young man can boldly proclaim, "Living today in Him and not in my shame."
So, on the one hand it's true, and very sad, that guys and girls on our Baptist Bible College campus struggle blatantly with pornography, homosexuality, and worse. What's worse is we don't talk about it to each other. What's even worse than that is, we can't. But, on the other hand, we can try. The six of us have learned what is to be men of integrity and G R A C E. Grace, that stuff that came at such a price, enabling guys like even us "to be, and not just appear." We're not warriors because we think highly of ourselves. We're warriors and men, because we know the One who does think highly of us (and you)--and who forgave us of all our sin. So, B's challenge is appropriate. Tell the world what you learned here. I'm trying. We're trying. Please listen.

The loving thing to do

I remember a late night in the first part of February this year. I went upstairs to talk to Ilya and get some thoughts from his outside perspective on some issues with my guys. I was beat up; I was in the middle of a pity party for myself, feeling like I had been kicked when I was down then walked rough shod over. I was preparing to speak at a snow camp to a bunch of high school kids that next weekend and was looking for some sort of “lift” before I took off.
I found Ilya in his room talking to Melissa so I walked out. He yelled after me, “hold on Caleb. Give me 5 min.” His roommate was doing homework so we went into the bathroom and sat on the sink. After a little small talk about how things were with the lady, we got around to why I came up. Like I thought he might do, he stated to list all the things that I do well. I let him go for about 30 seconds. Then I said: “Shut up Ilya! No, I don’t need to hear what I’m doing so good at! Give it to me strait. I need to know how I suck.” Ilya didn’t skip a beat. He said, “Ok Caleb. You need to show people that you love them.” And that’s all he said. I can be kinda dense sometimes so I asked him to explain. “Caleb, I know you love your guys. Mic, Matty, Tim, B...they all know you love them, but do your guys know how much you love them?” I was floored. I hadn’t really thought about it like that before. We talked some more about that and how I could change it, and I left (like 45 min later).
I left that conversation with my friend with a completely different perspective. He confronted me with truth that I couldn’t deny. The very thing that I prized most about this inner circle of warriors whom I served with, was the very thing that I was depriving my own battalion of. How could I be so arrogant, so inconsiderate, so blind, so selfish? That night was a turning point in the way I deal with people. I won’t attempt to say that now I always live sacrificially, or that I always do what is right for each one of my guys, but I can say with confidence that I’m on the road and in the battle. Never again will I be able to charge into battle without considering the soldiers who are following. Ilya showed me a part of brotherly love that night that I will never forget. Sometimes people need hit right where it hurts...even when they are already hurt. Sometimes the loving thing to do is not “stroke their ego”, but instead to kick them right in the face and tell them to suck it up.